1Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of yourleft arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger, thumb on
either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill
into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand:
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
5. Retrieve pill from gold fish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below
armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste
away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door
onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour ½ Litre
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters