Jackson in the News

Michael Jackson has just commissioned his plastic surgeon to do just one more operation. His request to the surgeon was to do anything to keep people from staring at his nose. The doctor surprised Michael and came up with a solution. Upon the viewing after the bandages were removed, all agreed that the doctor was…

Oh, Those Darn Lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ”Help me find my ball….

Aviation Blonde Joke

Taxing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a…

Top 20 things to do in a Drive-thru

Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take…

You know you’re stressed if

You Know You’re Too Stressed If… You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin to chase you. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You…

Abbreviations

Abbreviations these are a list of recent abbreviations i have been soiled with throughout my computermatron raping career feel free to update me with any others i have not yet been informed about LOL (a commonly used robotic false expression) = lumps of limb LMAO = lama mutilation and other LMFAO = lactating midgit fucking…

15 ways to make your parents think your insane.

15 ways to make your parents think your insane. Follow them around the house everywhere2. Run into walls3. Say wearing clothes is against your religion4. Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say good morning sunshine5. Moo when they say your name6.Pluck someones hair out and…

Elvis vs. Jesus

  JESUS is the Lord’s shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd. JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS’ favorite high school class was wood shop. JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS’ very first band was a trio. JESUS’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. JESUS is a Capricorn. (December…

I think Santa Claus is a woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman I think Santa Claus is a woman… I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull…