Elvis vs. Jesus

  JESUS is the Lord’s shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd. JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS’ favorite high school class was wood shop. JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS’ very first band was a trio. JESUS’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. JESUS is a Capricorn. (December…

I think Santa Claus is a woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman I think Santa Claus is a woman… I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull…

The Test

The Test A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ””What is 2+2?”” The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ””4.”” Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ””4.0”” Then the lawyer…

Year 2000 Interview With Jesus

Year 2000 Interview With Jesus Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News has obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most to blame for the situation. Internet News: We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have…

A Priest’s First Mass

A Priest’s First Mass A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start…

The holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students

The holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students   The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -cold, with stale Coke.   The Ten Commandments would actually be only fible-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.   Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because…

OMgoodness

OMgoodness O’Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O’Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.   On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O’Casey said, “You know, Maureen, I…

Signs its time to retire from the superhero business

Signs its time to retire from the superhero business Your motion to install wheelchair ramps in the secret headquarters keeps getting shot down. You just installed a warning alarm in the Batmobile to alert you when you’ve been driving for more than a mile with the turn signal on. No matter how much you adjust it, your Spandex costume…

How Dogs and Men are the same

How Dogs and Men are the same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both mark their territory. Neither tells you what’s bothering them. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both fart…