Letter to observer

Letter to the Observer

Sunday January 26, 2003

The Observer

I’m really excited by George Bush’s latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he’s running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I’ve
been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors
down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food
shop. They both give me queer looks, and I’m sure Mr Johnson is
planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven’t been able to
discover what. I’ve been round to his place a few times to see what
he’s up to, but he’s got everything well hidden. That’s how devious
he is. As for Mr Patel, don’t ask me how I know, I just know – from
very good sources – that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
leafleted the street telling them that if we don’t act first, he’ll
pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I’ve got proof, why don’t I go to the
police? But that’s simply ridiculous. The police will say that they
need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They’ll
come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and
wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be
finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will
be secretly murdering people.

Since I’m the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
firearms, I reckon it’s up to me to keep the peace. But until
recently that’s been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush
has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and
then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let’s face it, Mr
Bush’s carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to
bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to
stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK
is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That’s why I want to blow up Mr Johnson’s garage and kill his wife
and children. Strike first! That’ll teach him a lesson. Then he’ll
leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable
way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing
Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of
mass destruction – even if no one can find them. I’m certain I’ve
just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson’s wife and children
as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr Bush’s long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating ‘rogue states’ and ‘terrorism’. It’s such a clever
long-term aim because how can you ever know when you’ve achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when he’s wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist
once he’s committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists?
These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the
known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could
possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can’t be sure he’s achieved
his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then
some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only
really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all

It’s the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip
of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don’t like and who – quite frankly – look at me in odd ways. No one
will be really safe until I’ve wiped them all out. My wife says I
might be going too far but I tell her I’m simply using the same logic
as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr
Bush, I’ve run out of patience, and if that’s a good enough reason
for the President, it’s good enough for me. I’m going to give the
whole street two weeks – no, 10 days – to come out in the open and
hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws
and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don’t hand them
over nicely and say ‘Thank you’, I’m going to bomb the entire street
to kingdom come. It’s just as sane as what George W. Bush is
proposing – and, in contrast to what he’s intending, my policy will
destroy only one.